What I'm Reading

All of the books you see here are recommendations from you lovely ladies.

Although I've been SUPER slow on posting about books lately, I promise you I'm still reading and those posts are coming.  Which should I read first?

Have you seen that you can recommend a book for me to read and review?  I'd LOVE to hear about any life-changing books you've read.  Please click on the tab above or HERE to see how you can share your favorite book with me.

Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges

{If you are one of my new friends, welcome to my "Life-Changing Books" day here at Sugar and Spice.  I try to feature one book a week with you that I think you should know about, and maybe read, if it strikes your fancy.  I write about why I read it, and what stood out to me about it.  So, without further ado, here's today's book:}

I have an amazing small group of girlfriends that I’ve been meeting informally with once a week for 3 years now.  This is something we’ve intentionally scheduled in, because all of us recognize the need to have close friendships with people who support us and can pray for us as we go through many different seasons in our lives. 

We always have some kind of curriculum that we are going through – if not The Bible itself – and this book was one of the best we’ve ever had as a small group study.

 This study is geared toward people who are good Christians; people who take their faith seriously, make good decisions, and avoid all kinds of blatantly immoral behavior.  This book is written for the person who is doing pretty well in their obedience to God, and staying in between the lines of what is good and bad – at least according to culture and popular values.

What this book addresses, as indicated in it’s subtitle, are “the sins we tolerate” – those attitudes, thought patters, and behaviors that we have grown so used to that we simply think of them as part of our personality.  There are things that have become so engrained in us over the years, we hardly notice them, and continue in harmful and ungodly patterns of behavior.

The first, and overarching sin Bridges mentions is “Ungodliness”.  This is a general term he uses to describe simply living your life without thought of God.  Not even that you are overtly doing anything wrong – simply that you are not considering God’s opinion or allowing His voice to speak to you about your life and your perspective towards it.  Most people think of ungodliness as “evil” or “worldliness”, but truly ungodliness is a state of being that most of us are guilty of at some point or another. 

Let me list the chapters describing the various “respectable” (or shall we think of them as “hidden” or “ultra-subtle”?)

As you read them, several may stick out to you and you may question whether you might be living with a pattern in your life that may not be right.  If so, join the club!  Pick up a copy of the book, (it’s really a great read), and read it as a way to consider your life and be open to anything God might want to lovingly point out. 

The "Respectable Sins":

1)    Ungodliess and Unthankfulness

2)    Anxiety, Frustration, and Discontentment

3)    Pride and Selfishness

4)    Impatience, Irritability, and Anger

5)    Judgmentalism and sins of the tongue

6)    Lack of Self-control, Jealousy, and Envy

You might be thinking that if you read this book you might walk away hanging your head in shame, feeling worse about yourself, and defeated.  This was not the result with me nor was it for my girlfriends.  This is just an exercise in considering your life and asking God to show you any way that you might not be living as He would have you to live.  None of us are perfect, and, as the Bible says, “We all stumble in many ways”, but God’s grace is always there to not only open our eyes to those areas that may need to change, but also to equip us to make the change by His power at work within us.  It’s a relief for me to remember that! 

I REALLY encourage you to pick up a copy of this book.  It got me thinking, and it allowed me to go to God and confess my need for His help to change me in many ways. 

Much love to you all.  I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

 
**For all of my friends who will be participating in my Style Challenge, your emails are due by next Wednesday (when we will all be thinking about fashion again), and you will then receive a follow-up email from me letting you know what day your entry will be featured.  Forgot what the challenge was about?  Newbie to Sugar and Spice and wondering what I’m talking about?  Click here.

My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers

My Utmost for His Highest is a compilation of the teachings of Oswald Chambers which takes the form of daily devotional readings for every day of the calendar year. 

Oswald Chambers was not your ordinary minister; he lived a life of traveling, preaching, pastoring a church, and training future ministers at a the Bible Training College of London, and finally being a chaplain through the YMCA to British soldiers stationed in Egypt in 1915-1917.  He worked hard in ministry all the way up to his death in 1917.

It is my understanding that many of the teachings in this book came from his messages to the British soldiers as well as the Bible Training College students. 

Each day gets one page, and in that one page is SO much wisdom, truth, and conviction.  The way he communicates is unapologetic, almost "in your face" at times - but this is what sets My Utmost for His Highest apart from other devotional books.

I read through this book the year I met and began dating my husband.  We both started reading it independently of one another, and by the time we met and began our long distance relationship (from Illinois to Minnesota), we were both reading every day and eager to discuss with the other person what we had just learned.  Talking about the deep topics about God, Christian living, and what it looks like to be a disciple of Christ, Jesse and I grew together a great deal emotionally and intellectually.  In fact, if both parties were willing and interested, I would suggest this as a book to go through with your significant other so that you might grow in those very same ways.

If you are an underliner, you will probably have a third of the content of the book underlined by the time you get through it.  Because each day only gets one page, the content is so rich and there are many sentences that sum up a huge idea in a concise, direct way. You may read the day's page twice to absorb all of the content!

II want to give you a taste of the content of this book so you know what I am talking about when I describe how direct and thought provoking the content is. . . so I am going to give you a sample of one day's reading for you to get a taste.  (Like I sometimes do, you may want to read it twice)

Children's Bible

Shortly after Grace was born, some friends of ours from Minnesota sent us a gift for her including an outfit and this Bible:

How lucky we were to have some friends who had already gone through the journey of having their first baby at the time we were beginning that process.  What a treasure to have people with whom you can discuss all things newborn.  (That's another subject, though!)

We read a story out of this Bible every night as part of the girls' bedtime routine.  They are short, taking no longer than two minutes to read. 

We started reading books as part of the bedtime ritual as early as 6 months old with Grace.  She couldn't follow the story, of course, but the act of reading and looking at pictures becomes a regular thing and part of the trigger of bedtime.

I am sure that most parents out there read books before bedtime, but this one is part of my "Life-Changing Books" section because as you read one story per night - year after year - your child reads through the whole Bible (at least the major stories) by the time they can speak.  Grace is now 3 1/2 years old and she has probably read through the Bible 5 times. 

Not only does reading the Bible story benefit my girls, it benefits us as parents as well.  We are also reading the Bible and remembering God's word.  There are a few stories in this Bible that I feel much more familiar with now than I did before we owned it.  The story of Gideon is an example of that - the one about Gideon leaving a sheepskin out in the field and God keeping it dry when the whole ground was wet with morning dew as a sign to Gideon - and then doing the same miracle the next day in reverse!  It is an amazing story but one I wasn't as familiar with before I read it to my child. 

I love that this book is part of my life and my children's life most of all because it helps us to fulfill this verse:

"I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you."  Psalm 119:11

No more christian nice girl by Paul Coughlin and Jennifer D. Degler

I heard a series done on my local radio station awhile back on this book.  When I first heard the title I knew that, to at least some extent, this book would apply straight to me.

I think a lot of this can tend to become "Christian Nice Girls", which I remember Jennifer Degler defining on the radio as something like "smiling through gritted teeth".  Does that paint a picture for you?


It means acting nice above all else.  Above speaking the truth when it needs to be said, above sharing how you really feel, above saying no, etc.


Listen to this quote from the first chapter:

" A lot of what people call nice behavior is really fear, cowardice, and even sin in disguise.  Many women are nice not because they truly care about other people, but because they fear conflict and rejection.  That's not peace-making.  That's peace-faking, and their God-given consciences have been telling them this truth for a long time.  The 'disease to please' runs rampant in society and in many churches, resulting in women who act more like girls than powerful women of loving faith."


Ouch.  Ouch ouch ouch.  I don't know about you, but I have definitely been guilty of what the author described.  People-pleasing seems to be a good character quality at first, but it turns out to be nasty and deceitful when you allow it to rule your relationships.


Fearing conflict and rejection.  Describes me to a tee as well.  How easily that fear outweighs the perceived benefits of being forthcoming and honest.


It is SO easy to talk myself out of saying what needs to be said sometimes because I've decided in advance how the person will react.  I think this is huge.  As soon as you decide on behalf of someone you are in conflict with how they will react, you have done both parties a disservice.  You actually do the "offender" a disservice by not telling them how their behavior affects you, and you do yourself a greater disservice of bottling up the negative emotions and living with them until one day you either lash out at the person when the straw breaks the camel's back, or you cut off your relationship with that person completely.


The book does a nice job of explaining that so many of us look at Jesus as our example of how to be "nice", citing the time where he taught about "turning the other cheek" when someone strikes you, etc.  There is a "Jesus, meek and mild" mentality among us that actually teaches us to glorify being "nice" instead of looking at the full picture of who Jesus was and modeling ourselves after that.  The authors note the account of Jesus turning over the tables in the temple, knocking down the items that were displayed for sale by the vendors.  How nice was that?


I liked the quote they included on this subject from Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary:


"Goodness in man is not a mere passive quality, but the deliberate preference of right to wrong, the firm and persistent resistance of all moral evil, and the choosing and following of all moral good."

If you value what is right and true and good over what is least "offensive", you are on the right track.

The book goes into much detail about how so many of us got to be this way, (i.e. family, societal pressure, etc.) and then transitions into answering the question, "How does God prefer his women?"  (You can guess what the answer will be).


The point we need to get to in a nutshell is this:

Love others around you by being kind and gracious, and lovingly sharing the truth when the truth needs to be shared.  DON'T convince yourself that you are doing them any favors by beating around the bush, by saying something easier to take but that doesn't get where you are really going, and have the respect for yourself to do that.

Avoid being in situations where you sit there and take it while someone hurts you, and then go and complain about it later to people who aren't involved in the first place.  Now you have done two people a disservice!

Learn the joy of LOVINGLY sharing the truth.  Decide that it is actually loving to speak your mind to those around you, (as long as what you have to say is based in truth and you know that your intention is not simply to attack them), and then do it.

After reading this book my teaching career actually improved.  Can you believe that?

I was a high school Spanish teacher before becoming a stay-at-homer and learning to lovingly communicate the truth to my students made me SUCH a better teacher.  I was able to speak bluntly but in a caring way about what they needed to do if they wanted to not fail my class!  I was able to smile while telling them that they were talking too much to their neighbor during the lesson and if that behavior repeated itself they would get a phone call home be moved to the corner by themselves.  (Smile).  It's not so scary to say what needs to be said when you know you are doing it in a loving way.  Remember that you are doing everyone a favor.


They talk about how being nice at work can get you in all kinds of trouble.


One chapter is entitled, "Dating:  How being nice attracts Mr. Wrong".


Another chapter is about marriage, and another about sex.  All with the same point of being yourself and speaking the truth instead of going with the flow and never deepening or improving anything.


Of course, and this should be obvious from the get-go, the book is NOT trying to get us all to go around telling everyone we know what is wrong with them.  We are not trying to spew our every thought at others without care about how they may take it, and we do not want to bulldoze others over with our empowered sense of self.



We want to be like Christ.  Loving, truthful, gentle, and redemptive.


That is the way to look at it. 


There is so much more in the book that I did not get to, but get a copy for yourself and read it.


Those of you who get this and read it, or who HAVE read it, leave a comment and let us know what your thoughts were.

Have a great weekend, friends!

Amy

P.S.  I don't claim to be completely free from the "Christian nice girl" mentality, because I still struggle with it at times.  What I am saying is that I am so much better able to catch myself in the act and do the right and good thing instead of the nice thing.  By God's grace I will continue to grow in this area!

So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore

When I first heard about this book on Moody Radio (90.1 fm in Chicago), I was intrigued, and knew that it would put a voice to much of what we women spend so much of our lives dealing with.

I struggled a lot in college with insecurity - about my capabilities as far as my future career was concerned, my ability to make, build, and keep friends, and, of course, my appearance.

Really, from the time I was in junior high I struggled with feelings of not being good enough, pretty enough, witty enough, cool enough. . . you name it.

I think most women struggle with these feelings to a greater or lesser degree, but I know that body image is a great big hurdle that lots of us take years and years to get past.  I'm sure most of us spent (or are currently spending) far too great a chunk of our years worrying and obsessing about whether we look a certain way.

However, strangely enough, that evil beast called negative body image really lost a lot of it's grip on me once I started to have my babies.  For the first time, it was okay to gain weight, and there was a bigger story going on when it came to my body.  It was a blessing of God to be able to carry a baby and become a mother, and the changing of my appearance reflected that blessing.  Another reason I quit worrying so much about how I looked post-babies was that I had bigger and way better things to worry about.  Other people to care for, be concerned with, and focus my attention on.  My identity wasn't in my jeans size anymore (which it never should have been)!

Praise God that the blessings of my little ones were able to "save me from myself" (for the most part) in that area!


This book was a fantastic read.  I resonated with almost every word on every page.

Beth starts the book talking about how so many of us have a nagging insecurity inside that rears it's ugly head in subtle and consistent ways for so many years that we have grown accustomed to it and believe it's just a part of us.  Almost like being shy, or humble, but in a twisted, not truth-based, self-destructive sense.

She mentions how insecurity can cripple us, can make us unable to receive love, can twist our perceptions of reality, can make us do things we'd never be caught dead doing in order to fit in, can make us overcompensate and push other away, can generally make us miserable.

There is much truth in this book about the reality of who we are made to be. . . what God intended for us to believe about ourselves and Him.  Many times it is the opposite of what the culture tells us!  You REALLY need to read the book.  There are so many beautiful realities that we need to internalize.

By far, one of the biggest nuggets of truth that I got out of this book and that has stuck with me is this:

The beauty, talents, or attractiveness of other women have no affect on my own beauty, worth, or value as a woman.  No positive or desirable thing about someone else takes away any of my own value.

Aaahhhh, that is such a breath of fresh air! I think on some level many of us feel that there is a constant ranking system of some kind that is measuring us against the women around us, and if someone beats us out in some category we value, then that means we are less impressive, or worthwhile.  This is especially freeing when it comes to our feelings of security with the men in our lives, particularly our spouse.  There WILL be other beautiful and wonderful women out there that our spouse comes in contact with, but the fact that those women possess those wonderful qualities does not diminish our own in the least!

I just love this.  I have found it so freeing - it takes away that sense of competitiveness that we women are prone to feel with one another.  Instead of making it into a contest, we can appreciate and value other women's looks, talents, etc, without feeling threatened by them.  Like I said earlier, a breath of fresh air, right?

Another highlight of this book is a several page long prayer that Beth writes to guide us through really asking God for deep healing of our deep-seeded insecurities.  The prayer includes asking for forgiveness for looking for our security in _________(those places from which we have sought our sense of security in the past).

I could go on and on, but it will be so much better for YOU to read the book for yourself.

I will end with a group of Psalms that describe the reality of who we were created to be:

Psalm 139: 1-6, 13-18 NLT


¹ O Lord, you have examined my heart
      and know everything about me.
 ² You know when I sit down or stand up.
      You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
 ³ You see me when I travel
      and when I rest at home.
      You know everything I do.
 ⁴ You know what I am going to say
      even before I say it, Lord.
 ⁵ You go before me and follow me.
      You place your hand of blessing on my head.
 ⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
      too great for me to understand!

¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
      and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 ¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
      Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
 ¹⁵ You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
      as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
 ¹⁶ You saw me before I was born.
      Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
   Every moment was laid out
      before a single day had passed.
 ¹⁷ How precious are your thoughts about me,^[b] O God.
      They cannot be numbered!
 ¹⁸ I can’t even count them;
      they outnumber the grains of sand!
   And when I wake up,
      you are still with me!

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

There is a 99% chance you have already heard of or read this book.  It is so widely known, but I think it deserves a spot in my "Life Changing Books" section because it has simply come up so many times in conversations I've had with friends regarding their marriages.  

 

Knowing what both your and your spouse's love languages are is extremely valuable, especially in the first few years of your marriage.  Knowing what makes your spouse feel loved is key to successfully showing him or her how much you care.  We may think we are doing very well expressing our love to our spouse because we prepare his or her coffee each morning and take out the trash without being asked.  However, if all our spouse wants if for us to wrap our arms around him or her, give a soft kiss on the cheek and whisper how lucky we are to be married to him or her, then we can "serve" until we are blue in the face without ever really communicating our love.

We must know both our own and our spouse's love languages in order to communicate to them how to best show their love to us and to know what we can do for them that will truly make them feel loved.  If we miss this piece, there is room for much discontentment in our marriages, or even worse, seeking out that sense of being loved by someone outside the marriage.  This is why internalizing this kind of information will serve us well as we seek to have healthy and strong marriages.

So let's go through the 5 love languages:

1)  Words of Affirmation:

Telling your spouse in words how much you love them, how handsome or beautiful you think they are, how much you admire them, what you appreciate about them, how they are the only one for you, that you are proud of them, saying "thank you" for them loving you, putting up with you, serving you, etc.  

2) Quality Time:

Those who have this love language feel that their relationships are stronger as they spend time with the people they love.  They may feel a simple gift given for a birthday is insufficient; instead they would want to take the person out to a restaurant so they could spend time with them on their birthday.  Just like many times children would rather see their father than having him give them a gift if he has to travel extensively for work, if our spouse values the time we spend with them, we must learn to say "no" to other things that compete for our time and attention if we hope to communicate love to our spouse effectively.

3) Physical Touch:

If your love language is physical touch, you express your love to your spouse by hugs, kisses, back rubs, holding hands, cuddling, etc.  You also look for this from your spouse and gain a sense of comfort and affirmation when he or reaches out to physically show you love.  Many women assume all men have this as their primary love language, but that is not necessarily true.  The author will explain that in the book if you read that section.

4) Acts of Service:

Those who speak the language of acts of service show their love to their spouse by doing things for them.  This includes things like cleaning the kitchen, doing a household chore without being asked, bringing the spouse something they left at home even when they could have done without it, just because you saw it as an opportunity to express your love for them.  Perhaps it's making their morning coffee for them, packing their lunch, picking up the kids for them, etc.  Those who speak this love language will find themselves doing things such as those mentioned above but also really appreciating it when their spouse does something like that for them.

5)  Gifts:

If giving gifts is your primary love language, you place a strong value on both thoughtfully purchasing good gifts for those you love and also receiving gifts.  If you are a mother who speaks this love language, then your heart will melt when your son who is away at college sends you flowers on your birthday.  If you are a Grandmother who speaks this language, you will find excuses to dote on your grandchildren by picking out new toys or clothes to give them as gifts.  You will be excited to see the recipient of the gift enjoy what you have picked out because it was your way of showing them that you were thinking of them.

So how do you figure out what your love languages are?  One very good way is to ask yourself what it is that you find yourself doing when you want to express your love to someone.  Do you find yourself writing them a nice note or leaving them a loving voicemail message?  If so you probably speak the "Words of Affirmation" love language.  Do you find yourself compelled to invite them to your house for dinner or take them out to coffee?  Then you might speak the "Quality Time" love language.

Another way to know what your love language is would be to ask yourself what others do that really speaks to you, or makes you feel loved.  What would you like others to do to show you they care?  What do you wish your spouse would do or say that would just put you on cloud nine?  The answer to that is probably your love language.

Once you identify your love language, think about your spouse.  What do you see them doing to express their love to you and others?  What do you do or say to them that really lights up their mood?  If you still cannot figure out what your spouse's primary love languages are, ask him or her.  "What do I do or could I do that would really knock your socks off?"  "What is something that would really show you how much I care about you?"  You may give a few examples like giving them a gift, cleaning the bathroom, etc and see which one they latch on to most.  If they still do not give you a solid answer, ask them to think of what they find themselves doing for others when they really want to show their love to them.  This question is very helpful.

Most people have one or two primary love languages.  Often there is a third that may be on par with one of the first two as well.  

I find that I speak the love language of "Physical Touch" strongly within my marriage, but really not so much with my friends and family.  For example, I love it when Jesse comes and gives me a hug from behind while I am washing the dishes, but I don't hug my friends hello and goodbye every time I see them, nor do I feel the strong urge to do so.  I think that for me, then, physical touch is a secondary love language because it's not my go-to language in all situations.

I know that I have emphasized love languages in the context of marriage in this post, but truly these apply to all kinds of relationships.  Even if you are not married, knowing your love languages can help you to improve your other relationships as you study others around you and learn how they receive love and care from you.  

As I mentioned, getting this and remembering it is SO VALUABLE.  I read this book a good 8 years ago, and I still remember each language because the ideas have simply come up that often for me over the years.  

Here is a link for the book.  This site is pretty cool because it even has an inventory quiz you can take to learn what your love languages are.  Peruse it awhile and chew on this topic.  Much love! 

Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman by Anne Ortlund

 

I didn't realize I would love this book so much when I first heard about it on the radio and ordered it.  I

I found myself wanting to read it in all of my free time - to find out what more nuggets Anne would have to offer. 

She has a very clearly established idea of how to do life.  She has learned through trial and error what the finer aspects of life are and how to spend more time enjoying them.  

She has ideas on how to organize your life in such a way that you are on top of your business, reliable, free to minister more to others, and prioritized in your time.

Here is a list of some of the nuggets of wisdom I pulled out of the book.  (I won't go into each of them in as much detail as I could, but read the book so you can see the full explanation behind each of these points.

1) You will be a woman for all of your adult life.  You may not always be a wife or a mother.  But you will always be a woman.  Take time to nurture that part of you and find an identity in it.

2)  Keep your home organized and clean by:

- keeping a clean and organized desk / work area (I really need to work on this one!!)

- using a master notebook (SEE BELOW) for your journaling, grocery lists, general to-do lists, calendar, and things you want to remember as they come to you . . . separated into sections for each.

- creating a place for prayer and meeting with God

3) Have fun and "play" (as she puts it) with your spouse if you have one.

4) Make time for exercise, taking care of your body, thoughtfully planning your outfits based on your plans for the day.  (She actually calls presenting yourself in an attractive or at least put-together way doing a service to or honoring those you come in contact with!)

5)  Make the top 3 priorities in your life God first, the Body of Christ second, and Evangelism third.

(You may be wondering, "Where is 'family' or 'husband' in the list?  The answer is that they fall into the body of Christ . . . caring for and nurturing others in our life who may be part of our physical family or may be part of our spiritual family).

6) Make evangelism and discipleship of other women a priority if you have by God's grace matured in your faith.

7) Greet the world with the attitude "How may I help you today?"

8) Resist the urge to make your life all about you.

This was truly a wonderful read and there is much more that I did not share here that Anne has in the book.  After I read this I did buy a notebook (see point #2) like this:

and used the various sections as follows:

Green:  To-do lists, grocery lists  (the pages in this section get ripped out after I use the information on them)

Blue: Goals lists / Priorities (kept in there all the time to remind me), things I want to remember

Red:  Notes I take at church, prayer request lists, notes I take from the books I read (which is how I remembered what I learned from Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman even though I read the book 9 months ago)

Grey:  Journal entries, letters to God or to myself

I have really loved it.  It has been nice to be able to go back to the same notebook to reference lots of different things.  The only thing I don't keep in the notebook is my calendar, because the notebook is blank, but I bought a very small one that I keep in my purse.  Another idea she gives for utilizing a calendar is to write down even small things you think about having to do as they come to you such as "Buy mom a birthday card" - and write it on a day that would be appropriate for that.

Like I said earlier, I cannot do any book justice by giving you nuggets pulled out of their context by yours truly - and you may have questions about points I give because I won't explain the idea as well or as thoroughly as the author does.  That is why I will always encourage you to pick up the book and read it for yourself so that you can tell where the author is coming from and the message he or she wants to share.

How about you?  What book(s) have meant something to you?  Why?

Covenant Marriage by Gary Chapman

The funny thing about this book is that I owned it for about 5 years before I ever read it.  I assume we were given the book when we got married in 2005, but it didn't show up in my reading pile until I literally walked past our bookshelf one day and saw it sitting there right out front.  God must have been behind that. 

I picked it up and started reading.  Reading it only when I had good windows of opportunity, (which we all know are few and far between sometimes), I think I finished it in no more than 3 or 4 days.  It had so much good content, but here are the biggest lessons I learned while reading the book:

1)  The difference between a covenant and a contract marriage. 

Many people treat their marriage vows as a contract, in the sense that, "I'll uphold my end of the bargain only if you hold up yours".  It's the mentality that says, "I will love you and be committed to you until you hurt me in any way - until I subjectively feel like it's been sufficiently difficult and then that's it".  It's "I will serve you only as much as you serve me".  You get the idea.  We all know that this kind of mentality can quickly lead to a marriage breaking up - because there are so many times that our imperfect spouse will disappoint us and hurt us, (and we will do that to them too!), but if you love only as much as you are loved in return, you will constantly be keeping track of good and bad behaviors and conditional love will most likely be the norm.

So what is a covenant marriage?  Not the contract version.  Read the book to find out.

2)  The importance of "self-revelation" in the marriage.

We all hear all the time how important communication is.  But there are different kind of communication: daily tasks communication, nonverbal communication, chatting about kids, news, etc, and then there's the kind where you share your feelings about what happens to you.  To truly communicate well there were several ideas given in the book:

- sharing both what happens to you in a day and how you feel about it helps your spouse to know you better.

- giving your spouse the information they need about your past, present, and future activities so they know what you are going to do and why you are going to do it.

- sharing behaviors we notice the other person has done and then sharing how we interpreted them in order to verify that the other person did or did not in fact mean what you took their behavior to mean.  (This way we will not be wasting time reacting to some message our spouse never meant to send).

- using "I" statements especially during conflict.  Explaining how you feel is more effective than telling your spouse something like, "You always do this and it makes me so angry!".  Saying "I feel hurt when you do or say that" is much more effective in allowing your spouse to understand the impact of his or her behavior on you.

3)  Many times conflict within a marriage stems from the same one or two root issues that never get fully resolved.  If after fight A the root issue never gets fully resolved, then it will just rear it's ugly head in fight B somewhere down the line.  Sometimes marriages can be like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for the next conflict to arise, but so many times the next conflict comes because the same root issue from the previous conflicts has never fully been resolved.

Those are just some of the lessons I learned from this book.  Good communication can really be the foundation of a good marriage.  

This was fun.  There's no way I could explain here all of what the book had to say or the arguments is makes for covenant marriage or communication, so please read the book if you found what I said about it intriguing.  

What marriage book (if any) has made an impact on your marriage?